Odysseys of George

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accident all falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. …

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman’s period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if
it doesn’t come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What’s the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a
day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath
Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked “Why”?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front”.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEA CHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I
spell it.
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&nb sp; TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
&n bsp; that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”

MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS:&nb sp; Because George still had the axe in his hand.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.
& nbsp; Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it’s the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

A friend of mine put this up in a forum – this is just the part which took to me!

Associate Professor Egghead from LauBehHiut University has the following tips to offer:

1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married – and now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds : “Wife wanted“. Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : “You can have mine.“

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It’s easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, “If you don’t promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife.” The poor man wrote back, ” I am afraid I can’t keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours.“

7. “What’s the matter, you look depressed.” “I’m having trouble with my wife.” “What happened?” “She said she wasn’t going to speak to me for 30 days.” “But that ought to make you happy.” “It did, but today is the last day.”

8. When she is 18 – She is a football, 22 men going after her. When she is 28 – She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When she is 38 – She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 – She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

9. At 20 – A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give. At 30 – He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious. At 40 – He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy. At 50 – He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year. At 60 – He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

10. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Thanks Bernard!

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, ‘I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne
and I’m staying right here!’

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, ‘Im blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne
and I’m staying right here!’

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use & that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman that won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, ‘You say she’s blonde?’I'll handle this, I’m married to
a blonde, and I speak blonde!’ He goes back to the blonde, whispers
in her ear, and she says, “Oh I’m sorry – I had no idea,” gets up and
moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he
said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, “I told her First Class isn’t going to Melbourne.”